By thebarreandyogaroom, Jan 8 2019 06:50PM
B+Y is bringing back the blog--personal posts from our teachers, recipes we love, and tips to make your mind+body+spirit reach it's fullest cup of life!
Let me say that I have wanted to write for a long time.
My mom actually wanted me to be an English major in college...but of course I studied Music and Dance...and then business, and then finally psychology and nutrition...still no writing...yet I really do love it.
I've always attempted to work through some of my inner deep processes that really need to take flight and just leave this body that houses them...and I've been watching a lot of documentaries, reading, searching and studying for WHY I have this fear of letting things go that have always harbored such self desctruction whether it be not saying what's on my mind or keeping me closed off and afraid of accepting what's in front of me...
2019 is the year to approach that release. That surrender to finally do what I want and what I think I need because if anything, I have learned over this last year that no matter what I am feeling or witnessing and thinking that I am in a world alone or on an island by myself--there is always someone else with ten times the struggle or the exact same concerns, hopes, dreams, fears, confusions and wishes to just sort things the heck out.
This past year I really beat myself up. Gosh I wanted to do so much more and be so perfect and have everything appear just write and do just write and look the part...lot of running late, wanting to cry, completely shutting down and withdrawing happened--and that's honestly what kept me afloat.
I spent a few years feeling less than, constantly comparing myself, wish I was more, could give more, could be more....and this last year I learned that we're literally just living day to day and that's enough. I don't want MORE of anything...I just want today to make it until tomorrow.
So I used to only love practicing because I would sweat and just not think. Being pregnant during my first teacher training made me force myself to breathe, to look into more inner practices and to really have to face insecurities head on if I wanted to find what this 'teacher' was inside of me and where she fit. Lot of people thinking I wasn't their type, lot of people telling me it wasn't going to work, and then finally little silver linings shining through rainy days saying 'you're on the right track--just keep going'.
I've always been a people pleaser. Someone that wants to live up to what I offer, holds myself TOO accountable, wakes up early just to be sure I don't miss my alarm, etc....this year taught me that I kind of just have to go with it...
In one year we (my husband and I) lived through this:
An extensive neck surgery with 2 month recovery
Out of town Teacher training number 1
Jarrod switched jobs
I had our daughter
We opened another studio
Teacher Training Number 2 out of town (but much closer than the first)
and the list GOES ON. It was A LOT--not to mention my son having ADHD and us finally sorting through how to help him cope with change, and us trying to manage this whole thing called life...I had to let go of what little bit of type A I had in me and just truly say 'screw it; how can I manage to get as much done as possible and still sleep tonight'
So I started writing things down; making lists; listening to pod casts; and by 2019 I had a list of goals for this upcoming year--I want to offer more, to feel more, to say more and to BE MORE for myself, my studio, my teachers, my friends, and ultimately my husband and my children and all the wonderful people that make our lives possible.
I'm sure people think I'm just some crazy 'yoga girl' but honestly--it keeps me sane. I LOVE music and it makes me feel more connected to myself and my emotions than just about anything out there on this earth. It's this subtle way of saying 'here, let it go' and then you add practice to it and by the end of a class I'm approaching going back through the door with a clean slate ahead of me. I want B+Y to cultivate that in everyone that enters our door--give them the confidence to get a little weird, be a little vulnerable and move on. Our 'downfalls' make us different and make us human. I love variety and I'm welcoming change more and more these days. It used to scare me and make me feel incapable of adjustment--but now I say bring it on, what good can change cause in my life and for those around me.
So here's to 2019. May we all be bolder, 'wash our face', get out there, ask for help, not be afraid, try new things and become the people we've been pushing deep down for too long.